Here are some thoughts which may assist you and those close to you when you are struck with the loss of a friend or loved one.

1. Although everyone's experience is unique, there are five common stages to the grieving process. Not everyone experiences each stage in order but they do help us to understand the confusing and at times frightening feelings that come with a loss. The stages are:
   
   

• Denial (It can't be true.)
  
  
• Anger (It's not fair!!! It must be someone's fault!!)
  
  
• Bargaining (Not now! Take me not them!)
  
  
• Depression (Being overwhelmed by sadness when the loss becomes real)
  
  
• Acceptance (It is true and it is painful but I can go on with my life.)
  

2. Everyone experiences grief differently. There is no one, "good, healthy, normal" response. However, people who express their feelings openly tend to recover their equilibrium more quickly.
   
   
3. People are sometimes surprised by their experience of intense distress after a seemingly minor loss when they do not recall feeling as great a distress with major losses. In reality, losses tend to add up and grief is sometimes experienced when a relatively minor event provides the straw that breaks the camel's back.
   
   
4. Some common experiences beyond sadness that occur at times of loss include:
   
   

   irritability wanting to be alone abnormal fatigue guilt for anger at the deceased forgetfulness tearfulness lack of normal motivation

   insomnia fearing to be alone "irrational" anger at the deceased difficulty concentrating unbidden thoughts of past losses giddiness, gallows humor poor work performance

   
   

These symptoms don't just go away in a little while. It is normal for them to wax and wane for a period of months. It is important to give oneself permission to grieve. This includes permission to be less efficient and productive than normal.

By and large, it is not the grieving process that gets people into trouble. It is their attempts to block the pain of grief with frenetic activity, impulsive life changes, or mood altering drugs which causes most damage.

Sometimes individuals become immobilized, withdrawn, and neglectful of self care for more than a few days. Their grief becomes pathological and professional help may be essential. Psychotherapy and medication to help stabilize sleep and mood should be considered.

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